2000 and Numb: A Hash Idiocy (PittsburghH3 June 1st to 3rd, 2001)
Hogtown Pigs in Space: A Canadian Perspective
What I initially believed would be a simple weekend of wanton debauchery, instead
quickly turned into an educational experience. Below I have compiled a list
of what I learn during 2000 and Numb through either close observation or personal
misadventure so that others may be enriched by my experience.
What I Learned:
- Don't pitch your tent next to Greenskeeper as he will most likely
vomit on it. The likelihood of being barfed on markedly increases if the tent
is green and looks a lot like grass when you're drunk. Test this out
at home. If you're confused, chances are Greenskeeper will be
as well.
- You may be a plastic dwarf. You may be only one foot tall. You may happily
whistle while you work. You may even be the official Camp Dumptm
mascot. However Pussy Whipped will still kick your ass if you give
him attitude.
- If you throw like a girl (and couldn't hit the broadside of a barn
if your life depended on it), don't get into a mud flinging fight with
Moon. He will undoubtedly win as the muscles in his arms are
overdeveloped from years of repeated use.
- If it looks like a Flour-O-Matic, smells like a Flour-O-Matic and Comatoes
tells you it's a Flour-O-Matic, it's probably a 2000 & Numb
Alien Anal Probe (specifically designed with big assholes in mind). Remember.
The truth is out there.
- Naked fire jumping is usually fun. Naked fire jumping is not fun when the
fire is in a fireplace. Even if Noah attempts to convince you otherwise,
getting a running start does not help. It just means you'll leave a bigger
dent in the wall.
- Just because you're a Break-Dancing Master, doesn't mean you're
coordinated enough to successfully function as a normal human being. Do you
have difficulty walking more than four steps without face-planting in the
mud? Do you have trouble standing by the beer truck without falling on your
ass? Take a look at the tags hanging around your neck. Do they say TuTu
Fairy?
- If your SUV is stuck in the mud near Camp Dumptm and you want
to leave, don't ask Dick Traci for assistance. You're
better off getting advice from Chemical Whorefare's Asshole Dog from
Hell. If, on the other hand, your SUV is stuck in the mud near Camp Dumptm
and you would really like it to be stuck in the mud by the Nittany Camp outhouses,
Dick's your man!
- If you're in charge of the beer, you're not going to get laid.
You may have the key to the beer truck, but the only thing that's going
to open up for you are the beer truck doors. You should volunteer for haberdashery
duty next year instead, Drag Queen.
- Bitchy Cuntingham doesn't like hashers. Last year he
tried to kill a bunch off by "accidentally" losing them in the dark.
This year he attempted to murder the entire eagle pack by forcing them up
a hill so steep it should send most normal individual into cardiac arrest.
Next year he's going for a sure thing and will probably lay trail using
anthrax. If that doesn't work, he'll just run everyone over with
a school bus. You've been warned.
And finally…
A Memorable 2000 and Numb Quote:
"I hope you just shat your pants. Because if that was a fart, you'd
better go see a doctor."
-One harrier's reaction to KFC's toxic gas emissions during
Sunday's circle.
On On
H2HO
Scribe, HogtownH3